Sh*t is happening. SH*T IS HAPPENING.
Last Episode: Dany faces yet another crisis as a ruler, Arya found the Faceless Men, Brienne faced Sansa’s rejection, Littlefinger is getting hitched, Jon Snow won an election, Jaime decided to go to Dorne, and Tyrion drank some more.
This Episode (doing it a little different):
- I think the House of Black and White could use an decorator.
- Cersei could probably kill everyone who says the name “Margaery” without a second thought.
- Aaaaaand Tommen is deflowered. And it seems Margaery is going to take more than his virginity. And by that I mean his testicles.
- “I wish we had some wine for you, it’s a bit early in the day for us.” BOOM
- Yes, Margaery, remind Cersei that she’s old news again. Making Cersei angry has never gone wrong.
- And the marriage Littlefinger arranged was for Sansa and Ramsay Bolton, putting a Stark in Winterfell again in an attempt to placate the ornery northerners. Her life just never gets better.
- Petyr Baelish has gotten as far as he has because he is a MASTER manipulator. Sansa is a pawn once again.
- Brienne and Podrick share a moment. Brienne promises to teach Pod to fight, so maybe he won’t be relegated to ducking and praying later this season.
- The Night’s Watch is down to some rapists and a few potatoes and Stannis would execute all the wildlings. SMART.
- Neeeeeedle. Awwww. Arya couldn’t throw away Jon’s last gift.
- But it’s enough to get her in to her first body preparation.
- Sansa, Sansa, Sansa, you should have turned around. Would Petyr really have let her? Discuss. Gods. I hope she meets Reek.
- Jon is much smarter, giving Alliser Thorne the position of First Ranger and cutting Janos’s bastard head off. One strike and you’re out in the Night’s Watch.
- Here come the Sparrows. The High Septon is caught in Littlefinger’s brothel and shamed by Lancel’s new gang.
- Cersei’s new religiosity seems to be a new power-play. If she can’t have Tommen, she’ll have god. Seven on her side.
- Hahahaha Qyburn.
- Tyrion and Varys are in Volantis, where Tyrion quickly finds some prostitutes.
- And Jorah. Crying into his wine within arm’s length of a prostitute who looks like Dany.
- Oh shit, Jorah just kidnapped Tyrion. Which queen?
OK, kids. We are in uncharted territory as the plot has now significantly deviated from the books, so I have about as much an idea of what’s going to happen as you do. SECRETS.
Screenshot taken by the author from HBO.
